This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: August 9, 2019
August 3
Whatever bad news you may have been encountering or reading, I guarantee this will make you smile, if not laugh loudly. And the world will suddenly seem ok. pic.twitter.com/7uLx3jkhka
— Akki (@akkitwts) August 3, 2019
A very cool thing about living in America is that sometimes you have to check and make sure you're not accidentally tweeting something lighthearted during a mass shooting
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) August 3, 2019
Fox News did to our parents what they thought video games would do to us.
— Ryan Scott (@ryan_scott) August 3, 2019
In light of America's 2,188th mass shooting since Sandy Hook, we must remember that the biggest threat facing this nation is Antifa. They have thrown milkshakes at upwards of two (2) people.
— J.P. McDade (@jp_mcdade) August 4, 2019
Not going to post the shooter's manifesto, but you can read a summary of it here pic.twitter.com/lswhQBcvXr
— Don Moynihan (@donmoyn) August 4, 2019
This is how tornadoes start. pic.twitter.com/g74ML2Pp0w
— Paul Bronks (@SlenderSherbet) August 3, 2019
August 4
🇬🇧Pop. 65 million
— Brian Klaas (@brianklaas) August 4, 2019
🇺🇸Pop. 330 million (5x)
🇬🇧Video game revenues: ≈$5 billion
🇺🇸Video game revenues: ≈$25 billion (5x)
🇬🇧Gun homicides (2017): 31
🇺🇸Gun homicides (2017): 14,542 (469x)
Stop blaming the video games you absolute morons.
these shootings have me so rattled I guess I'll go to church oh wait ok I'll go to a movie oh wait well maybe there's a concert oh wait ok I'll go to walmar- fuck that's it I'm just going to a bar oh WAIT
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) August 4, 2019
Wherever you stand on Beto, the fact that he said, "I don't know, members of the press, what the fuck?" is pretty good answer to this asinine question. https://t.co/Seg0vqv3fG
— Mikel Jollett (@Mikel_Jollett) August 5, 2019
SHOOTER: I was inspired by trump.
— Imani Gandy (@AngryBlackLady) August 4, 2019
MEDIA: what could have caused this?
SHOOTER: look at this cool photo of the word "trump" spelled out in firearms
MEDIA: he probably played too much fortnite
SHOOTER: it's like trump said, Hispanics are invading us
MEDIA: we may never know
August 5
Feral hogs threatening my children by country:
— Daragh (@QDaragh) August 5, 2019
🇦🇹 0
🇩🇰 0
🇫🇮 0
🇩🇪 0
🇮🇹 0
🇮🇪 0
🇱🇺 0
🇨🇭 0
🇬🇧 0
🇭🇺 0
🇪🇸 0
🇵🇹 0
🇸🇬 0
🇸🇦 0
🇧🇪 0
🇸🇪 0
🇦🇺 0
🇫🇷 0
🇳🇿 0
🇳🇱 0
🇧🇷 0
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🇲🇽 0
🇺🇸 30-50
dunno about you guys but as a woman, I'm feeling preeeeetty good about the fact that we're clearly immune to mental illness. must be why conservatives are always like, "we need a woman president, they're the most stable!!!"
— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) August 5, 2019
He really does need a full neuropsych workup. Seriously. https://t.co/t92DnpJKKO
— George Conway (@gtconway3d) August 5, 2019
August 6
I posted a picture on my insta in my ex's shirt and let's just say he probably won't ask for it back again anytime soon pic.twitter.com/00ypwNBEf8
— Lyss🤷🏽♀️ (@alyssanikaye11) August 7, 2019
stages of Feral Hog Twitter
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) August 6, 2019
1. confusion seeing everyone tweet "30 to 50 feral hogs"
2. find the tweet & assume it's satire
3. read the tweet again & realize it's for real
4. like and RT only feral hog tweets for 12 hrs straight
5. become 30 to 50 feral hogs
Ages ago, I got to hear Toni Morrison speak. During the Q&A *that guy* stood up...
— Ally Carter (@OfficiallyAlly) August 6, 2019
"The first line of BELOVED—'124 was spiteful'—isn't it true that the number 1-2-4 symbolizes the—"
"No," she said.
"What?" he said.
"I was living in apartment 124 at the time. Next question."
Someone I follow on Instagram thinks she discovered the library pic.twitter.com/9mtJVf4gEs
— Maddy Smith (@somaddysmith) August 6, 2019
Can we make a reality show where we make baby boomers try applying to jobs for the first time in 30 years using their own advice, and see how quickly they have a mental breakdown?
— Tyler Mead (@Meadbymead) August 6, 2019
my tweets bring people together, and unite this country even more than 9/11 did. every time i post its like 9/11 happening again
— wint (@dril) August 6, 2019
August 7
This is so sad but PLEASE watch this interview 😂 pic.twitter.com/8J6kBt3bu2
— Afsheen Misaghi (@affyjay) August 8, 2019
𝖆𝖏 (@plqz) August 7, 2019my mom was trying to say big dick energy but she couldn't remember it and she goes "is that fat dick spirit"
—
Barbecue sauce is like if Dr. Pepper made ketchup
— Tank.Sinatra (@GeorgeResch) August 7, 2019
this is magnificent...💪🏀😏 pic.twitter.com/7FflMhP5rZ
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) August 8, 2019
August 8
me 5 years ago: the Internet isn't your diary sweetie (:
— ً (@indeprive) August 8, 2019
me now: what's up twitter today I cried in a mcdonald's bathroom
I hate when actors say that they "were always performing- from a very young age.. just dancing and putting on little plays for my family"....yah its called being 7
— Patrick Sullivan (@PatchNavillus) August 9, 2019
In a restaurant in canada last night I was served pudding on, and I wish I was joking, an ancient VHS copy of The Bodyguard pic.twitter.com/53oQfXDlNw
— P.S.Burton (@PSBurton) August 8, 2019
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there's someone behind you
— Rachel McCartney (@RachelMComedy) August 8, 2019
*~*Some personal news*~*
— Paula Skaggs (@paulaskaggs) August 8, 2019
I was mistakenly invited to speak at a conference for dentists (I am not a dentist), and now I can't stop sending them proposals for my talk. pic.twitter.com/TE4C3JcsP1
August 9
Kid Rock grew up in a wealthy family on a sprawling estate, never wanted for anything, and built a bullshit image of being a hardscrapping, white trash country "rapper" from Detroit to sell shitty records.
— Charlotte Clymer🏳️🌈 (@cmclymer) August 9, 2019
-- Charlotte Clymer https://t.co/YK1z4P16Yh
Amen, Bob. She should be a real American like you, growing up on a six acre estate complete with tennis court and horse paddock, and then bravely adopting a faux "redneck shitkicker" cosplay persona. God bless you, buddy ruff. https://t.co/OLlL430TnN
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 9, 2019
The funniest thing isn't us casually dunking on Kid Rock, it's the fact that right now a SEAL Team Six of teenage Taylor Swift fans are in his mentions and will never stop until he is destroyed
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) August 9, 2019
This is the Twitter content I'm here for... 💪🏀🛑😏😂 pic.twitter.com/cpr46ql6A5
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) August 9, 2019